Money, Money, Money,Money

Let's Really Make Change:

     

    I was reading about the changes that are coming regarding the faces on paper money. Apparently, Harriet Tubman will be gracing the $10 bill; replacing Alexander Hamilton (the 1st Secretary of the Treasury). Andrew Jackson, our 7th President who set in motion the "Trail of Tears", will remain on the $20 bill. The government's reasoning for this inane decision is that the $10 bill is the most easily and often counterfeited and this change will halt that problem, albeit temporarily. Have they considered putting Tubman on the 10 and Hamilton on the 20? Problem solved. But I have an even better idea to revamp the whole thing. As Americans, what do we value almost as highly as money? Television! Let's replace the current faces with those that are really important to us.

One Dollar Bill- Hawkeye Pierce:  Hawkeye was a sinful idealist who protested the inhumanity of war through wit and rash tantrums. I selected him because he not only espoused his ideologies verbally, he took action...and made a killer martini.

Five Dollar Bill- Archie Bunker: As much as I hate to replace my favorite guy, Honest Abe, I think his antithesis is appropriate for this honor. Archie continually showed us the stupidity of bigotry and it's cause; ignorance. The next time you encounter a bigot of any kind, just remember Archie and laugh like hell.

Ten Dollar Bill- George Jefferson: Now this is a guy who loved money. George was also a racist and was an odd mirror image of Archie. The difference is, George "moved on up" while Archie stagnated in Queens. Although he was thoroughly obnoxious, George was an example of an African-American who made it out of childhood poverty, to the suburbs, and finally to a "penthouse in the sky." Who better exemplifies the American Dream?

Twenty Dollar Bill- Mary Richards: This lady was nerdy and hip at the same time. She was a walking contradiction who broke boundaries in 1970s, misogynistic America. SHE left her fiance at the alter and took off on the road alone, landed a white-collar job, and maintained an adorable studio apartment. She had her share of dates but was more than willing to stay single knowing she did not need a husband to make her complete. Hats off to you, Mary.

Fifty Dollar Bill- Cosmo Kramer: What can be said about Kramer? He truly was a hipster doofus, before being one became fashionable. He lived on his own terms and breached societal rules on a daily basis, most often in ignorant bliss. Kramer is my hero; a man who invited strangers into his apartment in order to avail them of the opportunity to smoke inside. A fellow who gave his left-over Chinese food to a homeless man then upon return asked for his Tupperware back. In the traditional sense, he was not a model citizen, however I feel that if we had more Kramer's among us, the world might be a richer, and certainly funnier, place.

One Hundred Dollar Bill- Lucy Ricardo: There was no way that face wasn't going on a bill. Lucille (Ball) and Lucy (Ricardo) were very different women. Unlike Ball, Lucy was subservient to her husband in 1950's New York. However, what we must realize is that Lucy was clever enough to usually get her way, however disastrous the consequences may have been for her husband and neighbors. More often than not, she did get in the show. Her plans and schemes may have verged on the insane but the results she achieved were usually in her favor. Here's to Lucy (and Ethel). I raise my glass of Vitameatavegamin to you!